What More Could a Girl Want?

The other day, Pie was pulling every trick out of the book to avoid nap time. She was clearly exhausted but didn't want to give in. She had climbed down from lunch in order to play with Doodles, so I put her in her crib. "No!" she screamed. "Hungry! I finish lunch!"

"You finished lunch," I told her. "Remember? You got down from the table. Lunch is done."

"I need pencil!" she tried.

"Nope. No pencils in bed."

"Pencil, pencil, pencil!" she screams and as I head for the door, she changes tact. "Poop in diaper!"

I pause. Is this a trick? "Really?"

Satisfied that she's found her ticket out, she says, "Yes! Poopy diaper."

"You need a new diaper?"

"Yes!"

Okay, Pie wins this round. I pull her out and change her diaper. But then I make a rookie mistake. "Pie, there's only a tiny poop in here. Is there more in there?" Arg!!! The second the words were out of my mouth, I began to mentally slap myself on the head.

"Yes! More poop! Pie use the potty." This is a trap. A big fat trap. Because every time "potty" is mentioned, Pie declares, "I'm a little tiny baby. Not a big girl." We haven't had a successful potty attempt in months. But I'm cornered at this point, so back downstairs the little pisser went (and yes I mean pisser in a literal sense and not pisher--the girl will pee anywhere except a toilet. Case in point: I had to ask my father in Florida, "Let me ask you this: hypothetically speaking only of course, but if someone peed in your shower, would you want to know?" And then last week at the Y, after her swim class, I realized it was a major faux pas to shout in the middle of the girls' locker room, "Pie! Are you peeing on the floor?!?" Luckily Doodles saved me by, erroneously, saying, "No, Mom, I think it's just water dripping from her swimsuit in a funny way").

Yes, I'm getting to a point. So I take her to the bathroom, and I set a timer, with the strict understanding that she's to go back to nap when the timer rings whether or not anything has happened. After a bit, she volunteers, "The poops not coming out," and she hops off.

But then it's time for inventory. Must have inventory every time a body part is exposed.

"Pie have v*agina!?"

"Yes, Pie has a v*agina."

Thinking a moment, Pie says, "Mommy has a v*agina."

I agree. "Yes, Mommy has a v*agina."

She needs to continue. "Doodles has a p*enis!"

"Correct."

"And Daddy has a p*enis!" All present and accounted for!

"Yes, Daddy has a p*enis."

Now, Pie thinks very hard for a moment. Then she announces, "Pie has a v*agina...and a Dora backpack!!!"

Ah, only two and a half years old, and her life is complete. And no, the nap never came. A v*agina, a backpack, and a nap? Now that would have been just plain greedy.