Sunday, August 11

I Want My MTV (But It Only Wants Me for 10 More Months)

So, I'm watching MTV as I'm wont to do when there's nothing on. And advertised is a contest to direct a new Korn video. Granted, I don't like Korn. Granted, I have no desire to direct a video. Granted, this would have passed unnoticed as most things do these days if they are not related to the painting of the upstairs or the new kitchen faucet, but for some reason, the contest rules flashed--in a speed that could only be called subliminal--and I saw it and it stuck in brain. Right there in tiny f'ing letters in front of me that despite my advanced years loomed across the screen as if posted on a billboard: "Contest is open to legal residents of the U.S. who are between 18 and 34 years of age at time of entry." 34. Upper limit is 34. Ten freakin' months and I'm officially too old to watch MTV anymore. What will they do, block the signal to my house? Does Adam suffer as well (he can watch for another 4 1/2 years) or does he get the signal when I'm not near the TV? In 10 friggin' months, I'm too old for Bust and Jane magazines (as they've both proclaimed in their magazines that they are for the 18 to 34 year olds; in fact, it was declared just in this last issue of Bust--right after telling me that my chances of getting pregnant in another 10 months drops by 50%). So what? I leave the magical 18 to 34 demographic group and that puts me where? In the 35 to dead range?

You know, I was there when it all began. Martha Quinn is not just the answer to some trivia question for me. I knew her before she was using Noxema. I wanted my MTV in the worst kind of way! My friend Liz, who looked 21 at age 13 and my parents couldn't stand because her family was "laid back" (read: she could smoke whatever she wanted to and her sexuality was an easy fact around the house), had MTV, but no, we lived in the mountains where you couldn't get cable. So I'd spend my time at her place glued to the set, loving it when they played Blondie's "Rapture" (and where did I find the clip for this? On the baby-booming, Chicago-loving, Viagra-and-Rogaine addicted VH1 Web site). We finally got cable in Miami Beach later in high school, and I wasn't supposed to watch any in the afternoon, but the second General Hospital was over (be still my beating heart, but was Jack Wagner to die for, or what?), I'd flip to MTV. That Peter Gabriel "Sledgehammer" video was so cool! And wow, did you see how they mixed in the animation in A-Ha's "Take on Me" video? Anyone else remember when they announced they would stop using the astronaut in deference to the Challenger explosion? Anyone else remember when they played music? The first three years were all Rod Stewart, but I stuck with them.

And now, they don't want me anymore. I guess I'm supposed to just quietly go to VH1, welcome Mariah Carey into my life, embrace Ensure, and let the kids have their fun. Well, screw you, MTV.

Do you know if you look up Martha Quinn on MTV.com, you get nada? How's that for grateful? Okay, rant done. For the moment... I'll go watch some Angry Kid to calm myself down. Or am I too old for that as well?

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