It's No Dinner with Andre

What now passes for intellectual conversation in our house. Dinner conversation on a random Thursday night:

Adam: Man, my neck hurts!
Doodles: Fork! Fork!
Me: Doodles, can you ask nicely?
Doodles: Please.
Me: So, how was work today?
Adam: Same as ever. I don't know what I did to my neck, but it's killing me.
Doodles: Doodles wants Goldfish.
Sweetie Pie [from bouncy seat next to table]: Snort!
Me: [After returning from the kitchen with the bag] Here you go, Monkey.
Doodles: No, no! Other Goldfish! Different Goldfish!
[Go through several bags of Goldfish. None are the correct Goldfish]
Me [near the end of patience and wanting to get to my rapidly cooling dinner]: Listen Doodles, this is all we got. Do you want the Goldfish?
[Doodles eats the original Goldfish he was given]
Me: Adam, don't forget, I need you home early tomorrow night.
Sweetie Pie: Bark! Snort! Bark bark!
Doodles: Peter go airplane last week. [A Goldfish falls to the floor!] Oops!! Oops! Goldfish fall down!
Me: That's okay, honey, it happens.
Adam: That's right. Peter was here and last week we took him to the airport.
Doodles: A, B, C, D, E, F, G!
Adam: Why do I need to be home early?
Doodles: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P! Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z! Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me. Mommy, carry you?
Me: You want Mommy to carry you? After dinner.
[Sweetie Pie begins to stir and screw up her face for a scream, so I violently begin to bounce chair. Sweetie Pie curls back into sleep.]
Doodles: Mommy read to you? Mommy read Pigeon to you?
Me: After dinner.
Doodles: Doodles watch truck.
Adam: When did you watch a truck?
Doodles: Doodles watch truck. [A minor unintelligble soliloquy] Play with Erin?
Me: Monkey, Erin is at home having her dinner. Are you finished eating? [To Adam] We've got that thing tomorrow night.
Adam: Oh, yeah, that's right.
Doodles: My neck hurts!
Me: I'm sorry, Honey.
Doodles: It happens.