The Wives of Sam Horn

As the married female partner of my husband (anyone have a good synonym for the evil word "wife"?), I want to share in his interests. And as anyone who knows my husband will verify, Adam has just one interest: the Red Sox. I think Adam will back me up when I say that I've made an effort to support the Red Sox. True, I refuse to go to Fenway until they serve sushi, but I can identify Johnny Damon, can fake No-mah's pre-batting routine, and I know who the only Jew on the team is and how long Manny Ramirez was breastfed for (Gabe Kapler and four years, respectively. I don't know why I know those, but I do). I encourage him to watch the games (although I do complain when he starts to yell at the TV--I usually think he's talking to me and I come running, only to find out that Pedro is pitching a bad game or someone struck out). I bought Doodles his first, second, and third Red Sox outfit. I embrace--nay, enable--Adam's addiction.

Adam has had the last four weeks off (he graduates tomorrow and starts work on Monday). Out of the 672 free hours, I estimate he spent 196 hours sleeping. So out of the 476 hours remaining, Adam spent 333.20 hours watching baseball, listening to radio about baseball, reading his baseball boards, writing baseball posts, and thinking about baseball (note, I kindly didn't count the sleeping hours he dreams about baseball).

So, the other day, I peered over Adam's shoulder as he sat glazed at his laptop screen. "What are you looking at?" Adam has been a member of The Sons of Sam Horn for a bunch of years now and I wanted to see what he does on there. The first surprise is that Adam has posted 1,522 times. "That's not a lot!" Adam defensively argued. And he's right, I guess. It's just 1.389 posts a day. Every single day. For the past three years.

Reading over some of the threads, I became convinced that I know at least as much about the Red Sox as some of the dolts on the board. (Hey, I can blindly recite, "Pedro Martinez is the greatest pitcher who's ever lived." Of course, I don't exactly understand how that fits in with what Adam tells me Pedro's been doing this season, but I don't like to dig too deeply.)

"I'm going to join the board!" I told Adam. "I have things to say!" In the four years that Adam and I have been together, I have never seen a such a look of raw terror on his face.

"Uh, okay," he said. Then doing some quick thinking, he added, "but I think there's a waiting list to join. It's a really popular board." And sure enough he flipped over to a page and it reads, "SoSH is not currently accepting new members. There are 7,000+ applicants in the pool and we're overwhelmed." (What kind of board has an application that needs to be approved?)

For the record, I don't buy it. I think it's a conspiracy rigged up by The Man Show and Adam to keep me out. I think he anticipated my request and they concocted an elaborate dummy page to discourage me from joining.

(A side note: when looking for the links for Sons of Sam Horn, I popped over to the site. I noticed a feature that reads, "265 visitors in the last 15 minutes," with a list of the visitors. Guess who's screenname was on there? So I guess that's 1523 posts.)

(Side note to the side note: He's been busier than I thought. He's up to 1528 posts, which means he's exceeding his 1.389 posts a day.)