C Is for... Pretension?

Adam and I live a comfortable life. We don't have a vacation house on the Cape but then we don't worry about making our mortgage payment. I find Bugaboos offensive (why--why--does anyone need to spend $700 on stroller?). I find my Urban Baby e-mails to be ridiculous enough that I can't bear to unsubscribe (yes, I do need to spend $1000+ on my child's crib! Um, not). I buy 75 percent of Doodles clothes off of ebay and the rest from Target.

So why in heck did I get a mailing to subscribe to Cookie magazine, a new parenting magazine "for busy but choosy parents"? I don't even need to mock this, because it is so absurd, it speaks for itself (but why would I let it do that?). Cookie will bring you:

• The fast-growing market for children's collectibles. Whether you want to decorate your child's room with original sketches by contemporary artists or snap up original Laurent de Brunhoff's Babar prints at auction, Cookie will steer you toward what's worth investing in for your child. (Because, YES, this is where I want to invest my money! On objects for the wall that an infant will either pee on, spit up on, or ignore or that a toddler will rip down, color on, or smear his poop on to.)
  
• It's sleek, it's chic, and you can't have it. Haute-design new nursery furniture from Italy is as good as it gets, but you can't find it in American stores. Cookie, however, can help you get it with a single phone call. (Oh great. So now not only can I not get a babysitter to call me back, but I have to worry about the fact that I'm being snubbed by furniture salesmen?)
  
• Is that an octopus your baby is eating? World-class chefs reveal how to make even the most exotic foods acceptable to young palates, and share the recipes they created for their own children. (Excuse me for a moment here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's good! Ha ha ha! So while I'm trying to pry the Veggie Booty from my child's clenched fist while I'm forcibly cramming a banana in his mouth, I'm going to introduce octopus. Great idea! Tell me, do you introduce the octopus to your baby before or after the strained peas?)
  
• How to negotiate with your nanny... Cookie will bring you the best advice on how to hire (and fire) a nanny.... (Because if you're the kind of person who is going to feed your baby octopus, you're definitely going through a nanny a week. I mean it is so hard to find a good nanny who knows how to prepare octopus!)
  
• The ultimate in kid-friendly travel. We're not in Disney World anymore. Top destinations--for those who can afford it--include monkey-watching in Belize, dog-sledding in Alaska, and a 5-star Caribbean resort that caters to young guests with child-sized robes and a full-time kids' concierge. (Let me stop you right there. We can't afford it. Remember that mortgage I mentioned that we're able to pay? That pretty much eliminates our vacation budget. Yes, we're not in Disney World. We're in our own mosquito-drenched back yard, hanging out by the kiddie pool, dreaming about Disney World.)
  
• Natural childbirth--have we all gone mad? (Yes! We have! Until we can pay someone else to give birth for us, we should do like the Brazilians and all have scheduled Cs!)
  
  Plus:
  
• Where to order exclusive, imported kids' skin and hair products (because babies prefer to have only French soaps surrounding them when they're going to poop in the bath)
  
• How you--and your child--can survive a preschool interview (um, they interview for preschool? Not at our Boys and Girls' Club!)
  
• Buying futures: Best investments for your baby's nest egg (what? are you telling me the $50 savings bond I bought Doodles isn't the best way to pay for his college education?)
  
• The big Lamaze lie (um...?)
  

I swear, I'm not making this up. I'm simply not that creative. I couldn't make this up.