Enough Is Enough?
Our new friend, Lillian, was born this past week to my friend Rachel. Rachel e-mailed a photo album full of wonderful shots of Lily (another beautiful baby born with a head full of hair! Must be something about our Beach blood) with her adoring big brother, Max.
I have never described myself as a newborn person. Not when I held any of my friends' babies. Not when I anticipated life with children. Not when I had Doodles. I am a toddler person. I've always known this about myself. Right now Doodles is an incredible amount of fun. He talks, sings, makes funny faces, protests loudly, tantrums hard, and is generally a little person to whom I can relate.
And then we had Sweetie Pie. Sweet little Sweetie Pie. And suddenly, out of nowhere, I realized that newborns aren't so bad. Heck, newborns are actually kind of nice. They curl up and sleep on you. They stare at you with utter devotion (although maybe it's udder devotion? They just stare at you and see one big milk machine). They let you cover them with kisses without eventually wriggling off with a grimace to play with their trains in the toy room. Yes, they're floppy, they cry a lot, and poop constantly, but once you've been through it one time, you know how fast it goes and it doesn't seem quite as hard. Before we had Sweetie Pie, my father told me that the transition from one to two wasn't so tough. "With the first child," he said, "it's a shock. Your life gets turned upside down. With the second, you already know what you're doing. You know what to expect." He's right. After Doodles, I already didn't go out to eat, gained the weight, stopped sleeping, gave my house over to toys, and generally made that radical adjustment from life as a newlywed with nice furniture to life as a mom with furniture that suddenly all needs to be replaced as soon as kids are old enough to stop spitting up/pooping/spilling food/running airplanes on it.
Looking at those pictures of Lily exacerbated my desire for a third child. Before Doodles (how many of my sentences start out "Before Doodles"?), I knew more certainly than I have known anything that I wanted two kids. "Just two! Absolutely positive!" I'd say. After I had Doodles, I seriously doubted that I could handle two. In fact, we had originally intended to space our children three years apart (because my sister and I are three years apart as is Adam and his brother), but at one point I said to Adam, "If we don't do this now, it' ain't gonna happen! I want to get it over with!"
And two kids we have. Just as planned. But... There's just this little "but" inside of me.
Financially, we need to stop with two. Our house has the perfect amount of space for two kids. Our bank account has just enough money to save up for two college educations. Our car exactly fits two kids in it. But somewhere, there's a hankering in me for a third. I mean, since I've proven that I can indeed love the second as much as the first (something I had serious doubts about), then I could love a third just as much. Wouldn't more be merrier? My kids won't have a ton of cousins when they grow up and at some point, it'll be pretty much just them. Shouldn't they have one more ally in this world?
I still dream about getting rid of the exersaucer and the Jumperoo, and I am starting to send the maternity clothes off to pregnant friends. I've shed all my pregnancy weight (plus some), am running again, and have started working again. We could not afford day care for a third child, so it would mean putting my career on hold for three years (until preschool). If we had a third two years younger than Sweetie Pie, I'd be 39 when I gave birth. If we waited a little longer, I'd be in my 40s. I have two healthy, wonderful children. Do I really want to press my luck by trying for a third?
It's funny how strongly people feel about this. A number of folks (mostly family) have told me I'm crazy to think about a third. Others tell me if I'm wavering, then I'll definitely end up having a third. Some say the transition from two to three is the easiest of all. Some point out that you can't "divide and conquer" with three. And if I feel guilty now that I don't have the time to spend with each kid individually enough, how will it be with three? Right now, a third is not in our plans, and I will be giving away baby clothes as we our kids grow out of them. I'd say it's a 90 percent sure thing that we won't be giving birth to a third child. I console myself by saying that maybe in seven or eight years, we'll be doing better financially, and we can always consider adopting a child, perhaps an older one who wouldn't be able to find a home. But how do you know? How do you know when to stop having kids? If I were younger, I don't think I'd think twice about it and just keep going. But then, would I have this same angst wondering if I should have a fourth child?
My family certainly is complete. A little boy. A little girl. Two loving parents. But it doesn't always feel complete. Like maybe there's space for just one more...
For now, I'll get my thrills vicariously through others' children. And in just about eight weeks, I get to meet our little Lily! Rachel just better watch out to make sure I don't take her home with me.
I have never described myself as a newborn person. Not when I held any of my friends' babies. Not when I anticipated life with children. Not when I had Doodles. I am a toddler person. I've always known this about myself. Right now Doodles is an incredible amount of fun. He talks, sings, makes funny faces, protests loudly, tantrums hard, and is generally a little person to whom I can relate.
And then we had Sweetie Pie. Sweet little Sweetie Pie. And suddenly, out of nowhere, I realized that newborns aren't so bad. Heck, newborns are actually kind of nice. They curl up and sleep on you. They stare at you with utter devotion (although maybe it's udder devotion? They just stare at you and see one big milk machine). They let you cover them with kisses without eventually wriggling off with a grimace to play with their trains in the toy room. Yes, they're floppy, they cry a lot, and poop constantly, but once you've been through it one time, you know how fast it goes and it doesn't seem quite as hard. Before we had Sweetie Pie, my father told me that the transition from one to two wasn't so tough. "With the first child," he said, "it's a shock. Your life gets turned upside down. With the second, you already know what you're doing. You know what to expect." He's right. After Doodles, I already didn't go out to eat, gained the weight, stopped sleeping, gave my house over to toys, and generally made that radical adjustment from life as a newlywed with nice furniture to life as a mom with furniture that suddenly all needs to be replaced as soon as kids are old enough to stop spitting up/pooping/spilling food/running airplanes on it.
Looking at those pictures of Lily exacerbated my desire for a third child. Before Doodles (how many of my sentences start out "Before Doodles"?), I knew more certainly than I have known anything that I wanted two kids. "Just two! Absolutely positive!" I'd say. After I had Doodles, I seriously doubted that I could handle two. In fact, we had originally intended to space our children three years apart (because my sister and I are three years apart as is Adam and his brother), but at one point I said to Adam, "If we don't do this now, it' ain't gonna happen! I want to get it over with!"
And two kids we have. Just as planned. But... There's just this little "but" inside of me.
Financially, we need to stop with two. Our house has the perfect amount of space for two kids. Our bank account has just enough money to save up for two college educations. Our car exactly fits two kids in it. But somewhere, there's a hankering in me for a third. I mean, since I've proven that I can indeed love the second as much as the first (something I had serious doubts about), then I could love a third just as much. Wouldn't more be merrier? My kids won't have a ton of cousins when they grow up and at some point, it'll be pretty much just them. Shouldn't they have one more ally in this world?
I still dream about getting rid of the exersaucer and the Jumperoo, and I am starting to send the maternity clothes off to pregnant friends. I've shed all my pregnancy weight (plus some), am running again, and have started working again. We could not afford day care for a third child, so it would mean putting my career on hold for three years (until preschool). If we had a third two years younger than Sweetie Pie, I'd be 39 when I gave birth. If we waited a little longer, I'd be in my 40s. I have two healthy, wonderful children. Do I really want to press my luck by trying for a third?
It's funny how strongly people feel about this. A number of folks (mostly family) have told me I'm crazy to think about a third. Others tell me if I'm wavering, then I'll definitely end up having a third. Some say the transition from two to three is the easiest of all. Some point out that you can't "divide and conquer" with three. And if I feel guilty now that I don't have the time to spend with each kid individually enough, how will it be with three? Right now, a third is not in our plans, and I will be giving away baby clothes as we our kids grow out of them. I'd say it's a 90 percent sure thing that we won't be giving birth to a third child. I console myself by saying that maybe in seven or eight years, we'll be doing better financially, and we can always consider adopting a child, perhaps an older one who wouldn't be able to find a home. But how do you know? How do you know when to stop having kids? If I were younger, I don't think I'd think twice about it and just keep going. But then, would I have this same angst wondering if I should have a fourth child?
My family certainly is complete. A little boy. A little girl. Two loving parents. But it doesn't always feel complete. Like maybe there's space for just one more...
For now, I'll get my thrills vicariously through others' children. And in just about eight weeks, I get to meet our little Lily! Rachel just better watch out to make sure I don't take her home with me.
3 Comments:
It's so hard to know when you are done. Sometimes I think I'd like another...but Mike would NEVER go for that as he is almost 44. Obviously he doesn't have to carry the child but he has to provide for them and wants to see them grow up and have children of their own. Perhaps if he were younger we'd give #3 a try...who knows. He's resigned himself to getting a vasectomy just so I won't even be able to consider it any longer.
Hi Jenny--I'm sure this will sound stalkerish. I don't remember how I found your blog but found it so amusing and the writing, just wonderful. I've been lurking for over a year now. I'm almost 23 so I'm not at the stage in my life that you are but I nanny full time in NYC and hear a lot of what you are you talking about.
I grew up one of four siblings and money was tight. My mother and father planned all four of us and sometimes money was good and sometimes not. I definitely went to college on scholarship and took out student loans and all that, none of which I regret.
All in all, four is a lot of kids, especially nowadays. But I am so so grateful for the companionship of my two brothers and sister. My parents always seemed to get by somehow. Money is a serious issue and being able to provide time and stability for your family is important. It's an interesting and emotional debate.
You never know what may happen down the road and I just wanted to say that no matter what, you have a beautiful family. You seem like a wonderful mother who loves her kids a lot and wants to create the best world she can for them!
I can't wait until I am a mother myself. (Hopefully not for a decade or so. Ha!)
Lovely blog! Thanks for letting me post a novel here!
I love everyone's thoughtful comments on this! Thanks Jeff & Laura for coming out of the comment closet--if Blogger gave me your e-mail addresses I'd respond to you directly. It's a tough decision and I think at this point, it looks like we're sticking with two. My sister and I are a twosome and we're as close as could be. However... Adam was talking about doing some remodeling of the kitchen and we decided we'd wait until next fall and decide if the money is better spent on the kitchen... or another college fund. :-)
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