School Daze

There's only one thing worse than dropping off one of the absolute loves of your life off at day care. And that's dropping her off twice.

I really wrangled with sending Sweetie Pie to day care. The fact is, I'm an incredibly lucky person and the only reason I work is because I enjoy it. If I chose not to work, we'd be fine. Actually, with two children in day care, we'd be better than fine because my work won't cover the day care costs of two children because it's three days of day care and two days of work. Let me explain.

When Doodles was a wee one, I thought I'd stay home with him. Being a stay-at-home mom was what I was going to be. A SAHM in the terminology. My mom, when I was six, went back to school and I think that 90 percent of moms mother in direct response to their own mothering (and the other 10 percent lie about it), so of course, I want to be home for my kids. I had put Doodles on a waitlist for day care when I was just a few months pregnant, just in case. I'm not sure what kind of "work emergency" I was going to have, but there you go. And then, three months into mothering Doodles, I had a "work emergency." I was going crazy. I wasn't cut out to be a five-day-a-week at home mom. I loved (and still do love) Doodles more than life itself, but I was going postal home all the time. So when an opening came at the day care, I jumped at it and Doodles started going twice a week and I began freelancing as a writer and editor. I felt horribly guilty about wanting to work and send my child to school, but that's what worked best for all of us.

Fastforward two years. Doodles loves his school. I knew that I'd want to return to my freelance life, so the minute I found out that I was pregnant with Sweetie Pie, I put her on the waiting list at Doodles's school (the infant room is the toughest one to get into, but I had priority because of Doodles and let me tell you, I'm the only one who put a kid on the waiting list when she was a mere five weeks in utero. Day care found out I was pregnant before almost anyone else). At the same time, we arranged for Doodles to up his day care to three days a week starting that September, on the advice of his pediatrician. She pointed out that with a newborn at home, we wouldn't be able to give Doodles to activity he needed and that school would be a safe place that would be all his--no babies interfering. Because I knew that putting a second child into day care would be easier than putting the first in and because I had more work than I could really accomplish in two days, I went ahead and signed Sweetie Pie up for three days a week.

Only one problem: I was wrong. I don't want to send Sweetie Pie to day care. Not three days a week, not one day a week. Putting the second child into day care is no easier than putting the first one in. In fact, it's harder because I don't feel like I need a break. First of all, I'm a much more relaxed this time around. Second of all, I haven't had any of the postpartum anxiety I had with Doodles. Finally, I know now just how fast it all goes! She's going to be big before I know it, and I don't want to miss any of it!

But here's the deal. Doodles really does love school. I mean loves it! And he really does get more there than I can give him. At his age, he likes lots of art projects, song hours, story times, play time, dress up time, and there's no way I can keep up with him and take care of Sweetie Pie's needs. Oh, I could give Doodles a lot at home and I know that many moms do, but it's not in my repertoire. Frankly, I get annoyed when I spend twenty minutes setting up a craft project just to have Doodles tell me 30 seconds later that he wants to do something else. And honestly I don't want a 2 1/2 year old going crazy in the house during the winter. Winters up here can be rough and I'm not taking Sweetie Pie out in 20 degree weather so Doodles can burn off energy.

So what do I do? We have to pay for Doodles's day care, but with Sweetie Pie home, I can't really work. And then there's one other factor. Almost all of the moms I've spoken to tell me the same thing: While it's nice to be home with your kids when they're young, it's more important to be home for them when they're older. Kids need you after school in elementary school and middle school. Now, I don't know if this is true or not, never having raised an older kid, but it sounds like it could make sense. My freelance work rocks. I enjoy it. It's flexible so I can work odd hours if I have a sick child. It pays decently. And it'll be the perfect schedule when Doodles and Sweetie Pie are in preschool/elementary school. I'll definitely want to work when the kids are in school and let's face it, finding meaningful, well paying part-time work is just about impossible, and that's exactly what I've got. But the thing is, if I stop working now, my contacts will be stale in three years. Working now ensures I'll have work later when I need it. So I think of my work now as an investment for the future.

So, here we are. I can't bear the idea of sending my Sweetie Pie to day care three days a week, nor can I bear the idea of disappointing Doodles and cutting him back to two days a week. So Sweetie Pie starts going this week two days a week and Doodles will continue three days a week and I get a precious day alone with my little baby.

Monday was Sweetie's first day. Doodles and I dropped her in the infant room. I took Doodles to the toddler room, which is right next door and then went back to hang out with Sweetie a little bit. I had ramped Doodles up slowly when he started but I don't have that luxury with Sweetie Pie: I already have four jobs I'm working on and I haven't even contacted all my regular clients yet. So Sweetie Pie will be doing full days.

Before I left, I fed Sweetie and cooed at her. I made the teachers promise they'd let Doodles visit her (I feel better knowing she'll have a familiar face there). And I went about my day. After two hours, I called the school.

"How's Sweetie!" I asked.

"She's doing good," the teacher said. "So, has she taken a bottle before?"

Uh...yes, actually she has. Adam gives Sweetie a bottle when Doodles and I have our mommy-Doodles alone time. And other various family members have given her one. Now, Sweetie isn't a big fan of the bottle, but she will take it.

And yet, at 1 p.m., my phone rang.

"Hi, Jenny," the day care director said. "Sweetie won't take the bottle and she's screaming. Do you want to come down and feed her?"

Luckily, we live fewer than five minutes from the day care so I got there right away, snuck past the toddler room, and found Sweetie as happy as could be in the director's arms.

"Let me try feeding her a bottle," I said. Sweetie grinned at me, took the bottle, took one swallow, and then started screaming.

"Yep, that's what she did for us," the director said.

I popped Sweetie on and in five minutes, she was cooing contentedly. I left her again, to finish up my day's work.

So now what? Do I go to day care every day to feed Sweetie Pie? One of the teacher's had a little luck feeding Sweetie in the bouncy chair at the end of the day, but I don't know if that will work on an ongoing basis. Maybe Sweetie Pie senses my ambivalence.

I do feel better about day care in general. When I went to pick Sweetie Pie up for real, they said they brought her into the toddler room, and Doodles immediately said, "That's my Sweetie!"

I'll get through this. I know I will. But my little bitty Miss Pie--who is already in her size 3 diapers and grown out of half of her size 3 to 6 months clothes--is getting so big so fast. And Doodles is a real live kid now. Slow down! It's all speeding by way too quickly.