When That Last Nerve Goes...
This just in: My. Children. Are. Trying. To. KILL. Me. THIS IS NOT A JOKE! Any day now, Adam is going to let himself in from work to find my two children playing over my cadaver. Sweetie Pie will be crawling back and forth over my legs, sniffing around for milk while Doodles will be sitting with his mouth in my ear, whining, "Can I watch TV? I want to watch Potty Power NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! Can I? Can I watch TV?"
Today was the day I cracked. Just cracked. Completely lost it. And the sad thing is, all that touchy-feely crap, all those time-outs, all those, "Let's talk about your feelings"--you know the stuff I'm talking about--it doesn't work. But hey, completely lose your shit with your kids and now you're talkin'!
This morning started out promising. After last week's potty fiasco, Doodles declared, "I don't want to wear diapers anymore." We had about 18 hours of great potty success, enough for him to earn enough stickers to get a trip to Dunkin Donuts for a donut of his choosing. Of course, once he earned his donut, he was done with underwear, and today refused to wear any. Well, that's not excatly true. He wanted to wear underwear; he just refused to use the potty. So back to diapers.
Last night was not a good night sleep for us (Hey, Sweetie! Those middle on the night scream fests are numbered. Waaahahahaha!). But as tired as I was, I put my kids in the stroller and headed to our nearest donut shop (and I'm going to link once again to "Karate" because at this point, it is the only joy I have left in life. Say it with me, "Ka-rate!"). Doodles got his chocolate-frosted sprinkle donut and Sweetie gnawed on a bagel. We went to Starbucks so I could get my mammoth coffee in my attempt to keep from falling asleep while steering the stroller. The whole way home, Doodles kept up a little monologue. "I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie Weetie. Mommy, who is that? [I say hi to a passer-by] Mommy, who are you talking to? [I stop to kick a rock from my shoe] Mommy, why did we stop? Mommy, are we going home? Mommy, we're going the wrong way. [No we weren't] I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie Weetie."
Sweetie Weetie passes out in the stroller and a I transfer her to bed. Doodles and I read a bit, I try to tidy up, and get us ready so we can go to the reservoir (aka the Res) when Sweetie wakes up, which should be around 11.
Only it wasn't. It was 10 a.m. that she awoke. I, once again, missed the "Danger Will Robinson" signs and plowed ahead with our plans to meet up with friends at the Res. Not too bad. Well, trying to keep Sweetie from choking on the rocks she keeps shoving in her mouth while simultaneously trying to keep Doodles from drowning as he runs blindly into the deeper waters was lots of fun. As was the "I want down! No, I want up! No I want down! No, I want up! No, waaaaaah!" game that Sweetie wanted to play. Oh, and then there was the, "I don't waaaaant to go home! I waaaant to go back in the water! Or the playground. I don't waaaaaant to go home!" So I'd run after him, but in order to do so, I'd have to set Sweetie down, which she would take as her opportunity to jet off in the opposite direction, so by the time I corralled Doodles, I'd have to then go corrall Sweetie, which meant that Doodles would take off again and... Oh and, yeah, there was that moment when Doodles decided he wanted to continue playing his game of "Throw Sweetie's Ball and Chase After It" into the parking lot and freaked out when I insisted that not only could he not play that game but he had to hold my hand in the parking lot. "I can walk myself!" Um, no, you can't. Not in a parking lot. So when I take his wrist, and pull him toward the car, backpack over one arm, two tote bags of toys, food, and towels on the other arm, Sweetie perched kind of over my shoulder, I really don't need to hear, "Ouch! You're hurting me." Um, no I'm not. "I need to touch my belly!"
We get home. I get Sweetie down to an early nap. I get Doodles down to an early nap. I realized I have work due, so I get that done and then I succumb to my burgeoning cold and nap for exactly 20 minutes when the UPS woman wakes me up. Which was fine because it was only about 10 minutes later that the vicious thunder and lightening storm woke my children up. So I have two cranky children. Awake. Early. And a full fledged storm outside. We're trapped. I offer Play-Doh, coloring. I offer toys that I'd hidden away in the basement. I offer books. What do I get? "I want to watch TV noooooowww!" I explain that it's way too early. At 4:30, though, I cave and the child gets way too much TV: a Little Einsteins and two, yes, two, viewings of Potty Power. That's two viewings of an animated toilet paper roll and "Sing it loud, sing proud, I've got potty power!"
It's dinner time. I'm feeling worn down, so Sweetie gets one of those toddler meals, a chicken and stars. My non-eating son wants dolphins (the cheap version of Goldfish). I'm trying to feed Sweetie, who is perfectly happy picking up handfuls of chicken and stars and cramming them into her cheeks... her hair... her dress... and occasionally reaching close to her mouth. In between, I'm spooning bites into her mouth. And this, this, I'm not proud to admit, is where I completely lost it:
Doodles: What is Sweetie eating?
Me: Chicken and stars.
Doodles: Can I see the stars.
Me: No. This is Sweetie's dinner and I'm not going to interrupt her meal just you can see her food.
Doodles: I want to see the stars!
Me: No.
Doodles: Let me see the stars!
Me: You don't understand. This is Sweetie's dinner. If you want to eat the stars, you can have some. But I'm not going to take her food for you to just look at. Do you want to eat some?
Doodles: No! I want to look at it.
Me: No.
Doodles thinks a moment. Doodles: I want to eat some.
Me: You had better be serious about this, because I'm going to be seriously angry if you're not.
Doodles: I want to eat some.
I bring him a spoon of stars. He turns his head away and makes a face. And that, folks, was the beginning of the end.
Me: You are going to eat those stars!
Doodles: NOOO!
Me: You said you would eat them!
Doodles: NOOOO! I don't like stars!!!
Ugliness ensues with me, a spoon of stars, and a toddler who is desperately trying to avoid the star shower.
Me: That's it! You are done with dinner! [I take his plate away]
Doodles: I WANT MY DOLPHINS!
Me: You are done with dinner!
Doodles: I WANT MY DOLPHINS!
Me: You want your dolphins? Fine.
I take his plate and bring it into the kitchen. I put two steamed broccoli stalks on his plate and return it to him.
Me: We are ALL DONE catering to your food habits. You will now eat what everyone else eats. No more of this food nonsense. Sweetie is eating broccoli. I'm eating broccoli. You will eat broccoli.
Doodles picks the broccoli off his plate with a sneer.
Doodles: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI!
He continues to eat the dolphins on his plate. He finishes the dolphins.
Doodles: I want more dolphins.
Me: Eat your broccoli.
Doodles: I don't like broccoli.
Me: That's fine. Then your dinner is done.
Doodles: I want more dolphins.
Me: You can have more dolphins when you eat your broccoli.
Doodles: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI! I WANT MORE DOLPHINS.
Me: Broccoli is what is for dinner tonight. You will eat your broccoli or you will excuse yourself from the table.
Doodles sits silently for a few minutes. I continue feeding Sweetie.
Doodles: I want dolphins.
Me, more calmly: Then eat your broccoli.
A few more minutes. Doodles finally picks up a stalk of broccoli. He starts to move it slowly toward his face, his hand shaking as if he's forcing himself to bring it close. It gets within two inches of his face before he turns his head, grimaces, and throws the broccoli down.
Doodles: I can't do it!
There's no way to describe it, but this was the funniest thing I have ever seen, and I start to crack up right there. Way to show how serious I was.
Me: That's fine. I understand. You may be excused.
Doodles quickly picks up the broccoli, brings it toward his face. And then, then... unbelievably... Doodles takes a nibble.
Doodles: I want dolphins.
Me: Three good sized bites and then Dolphins.
Doodles: Eeeeehhhh! (can't quite capture the sound he made)
I go back to the kitchen and retrieve the bottle of magic.
Me: Do you want cinnamon sugar on your broccoli.
Doodles, relieved: Yes!
I sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on the broccoli. Doodles picks it up and takes a bite. I sprinkle more on. He takes another bite.
Doodles: Dolphins.
Me: One more bite.
More cinnamon sugar. One more bite. Doodles looks up at me.
Me: I'll get your dolphins.
Funny thing is, he only ate about five more dolphins and when Adam came home, I asked Doodles, "Do you want to tell Daddy what you ate tonight?" and he smiled widely and yelled, "Broccoli!"
Killing me. They're just killing me. Little by little. Just you wait and see. If one of these Wednesdays a post doesn't appear, know that the kids are having a field day romping around my corpse. At least I'll know Doodles will be romping with a little--very little, but it's a start--vegetable in him.
Today was the day I cracked. Just cracked. Completely lost it. And the sad thing is, all that touchy-feely crap, all those time-outs, all those, "Let's talk about your feelings"--you know the stuff I'm talking about--it doesn't work. But hey, completely lose your shit with your kids and now you're talkin'!
This morning started out promising. After last week's potty fiasco, Doodles declared, "I don't want to wear diapers anymore." We had about 18 hours of great potty success, enough for him to earn enough stickers to get a trip to Dunkin Donuts for a donut of his choosing. Of course, once he earned his donut, he was done with underwear, and today refused to wear any. Well, that's not excatly true. He wanted to wear underwear; he just refused to use the potty. So back to diapers.
Last night was not a good night sleep for us (Hey, Sweetie! Those middle on the night scream fests are numbered. Waaahahahaha!). But as tired as I was, I put my kids in the stroller and headed to our nearest donut shop (and I'm going to link once again to "Karate" because at this point, it is the only joy I have left in life. Say it with me, "Ka-rate!"). Doodles got his chocolate-frosted sprinkle donut and Sweetie gnawed on a bagel. We went to Starbucks so I could get my mammoth coffee in my attempt to keep from falling asleep while steering the stroller. The whole way home, Doodles kept up a little monologue. "I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie Weetie. Mommy, who is that? [I say hi to a passer-by] Mommy, who are you talking to? [I stop to kick a rock from my shoe] Mommy, why did we stop? Mommy, are we going home? Mommy, we're going the wrong way. [No we weren't] I love Sweetie. I love Sweetie Weetie."
Sweetie Weetie passes out in the stroller and a I transfer her to bed. Doodles and I read a bit, I try to tidy up, and get us ready so we can go to the reservoir (aka the Res) when Sweetie wakes up, which should be around 11.
Only it wasn't. It was 10 a.m. that she awoke. I, once again, missed the "Danger Will Robinson" signs and plowed ahead with our plans to meet up with friends at the Res. Not too bad. Well, trying to keep Sweetie from choking on the rocks she keeps shoving in her mouth while simultaneously trying to keep Doodles from drowning as he runs blindly into the deeper waters was lots of fun. As was the "I want down! No, I want up! No I want down! No, I want up! No, waaaaaah!" game that Sweetie wanted to play. Oh, and then there was the, "I don't waaaaant to go home! I waaaant to go back in the water! Or the playground. I don't waaaaaant to go home!" So I'd run after him, but in order to do so, I'd have to set Sweetie down, which she would take as her opportunity to jet off in the opposite direction, so by the time I corralled Doodles, I'd have to then go corrall Sweetie, which meant that Doodles would take off again and... Oh and, yeah, there was that moment when Doodles decided he wanted to continue playing his game of "Throw Sweetie's Ball and Chase After It" into the parking lot and freaked out when I insisted that not only could he not play that game but he had to hold my hand in the parking lot. "I can walk myself!" Um, no, you can't. Not in a parking lot. So when I take his wrist, and pull him toward the car, backpack over one arm, two tote bags of toys, food, and towels on the other arm, Sweetie perched kind of over my shoulder, I really don't need to hear, "Ouch! You're hurting me." Um, no I'm not. "I need to touch my belly!"
We get home. I get Sweetie down to an early nap. I get Doodles down to an early nap. I realized I have work due, so I get that done and then I succumb to my burgeoning cold and nap for exactly 20 minutes when the UPS woman wakes me up. Which was fine because it was only about 10 minutes later that the vicious thunder and lightening storm woke my children up. So I have two cranky children. Awake. Early. And a full fledged storm outside. We're trapped. I offer Play-Doh, coloring. I offer toys that I'd hidden away in the basement. I offer books. What do I get? "I want to watch TV noooooowww!" I explain that it's way too early. At 4:30, though, I cave and the child gets way too much TV: a Little Einsteins and two, yes, two, viewings of Potty Power. That's two viewings of an animated toilet paper roll and "Sing it loud, sing proud, I've got potty power!"
It's dinner time. I'm feeling worn down, so Sweetie gets one of those toddler meals, a chicken and stars. My non-eating son wants dolphins (the cheap version of Goldfish). I'm trying to feed Sweetie, who is perfectly happy picking up handfuls of chicken and stars and cramming them into her cheeks... her hair... her dress... and occasionally reaching close to her mouth. In between, I'm spooning bites into her mouth. And this, this, I'm not proud to admit, is where I completely lost it:
Doodles: What is Sweetie eating?
Me: Chicken and stars.
Doodles: Can I see the stars.
Me: No. This is Sweetie's dinner and I'm not going to interrupt her meal just you can see her food.
Doodles: I want to see the stars!
Me: No.
Doodles: Let me see the stars!
Me: You don't understand. This is Sweetie's dinner. If you want to eat the stars, you can have some. But I'm not going to take her food for you to just look at. Do you want to eat some?
Doodles: No! I want to look at it.
Me: No.
Doodles thinks a moment. Doodles: I want to eat some.
Me: You had better be serious about this, because I'm going to be seriously angry if you're not.
Doodles: I want to eat some.
I bring him a spoon of stars. He turns his head away and makes a face. And that, folks, was the beginning of the end.
Me: You are going to eat those stars!
Doodles: NOOO!
Me: You said you would eat them!
Doodles: NOOOO! I don't like stars!!!
Ugliness ensues with me, a spoon of stars, and a toddler who is desperately trying to avoid the star shower.
Me: That's it! You are done with dinner! [I take his plate away]
Doodles: I WANT MY DOLPHINS!
Me: You are done with dinner!
Doodles: I WANT MY DOLPHINS!
Me: You want your dolphins? Fine.
I take his plate and bring it into the kitchen. I put two steamed broccoli stalks on his plate and return it to him.
Me: We are ALL DONE catering to your food habits. You will now eat what everyone else eats. No more of this food nonsense. Sweetie is eating broccoli. I'm eating broccoli. You will eat broccoli.
Doodles picks the broccoli off his plate with a sneer.
Doodles: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI!
He continues to eat the dolphins on his plate. He finishes the dolphins.
Doodles: I want more dolphins.
Me: Eat your broccoli.
Doodles: I don't like broccoli.
Me: That's fine. Then your dinner is done.
Doodles: I want more dolphins.
Me: You can have more dolphins when you eat your broccoli.
Doodles: I DON'T LIKE BROCCOLI! I WANT MORE DOLPHINS.
Me: Broccoli is what is for dinner tonight. You will eat your broccoli or you will excuse yourself from the table.
Doodles sits silently for a few minutes. I continue feeding Sweetie.
Doodles: I want dolphins.
Me, more calmly: Then eat your broccoli.
A few more minutes. Doodles finally picks up a stalk of broccoli. He starts to move it slowly toward his face, his hand shaking as if he's forcing himself to bring it close. It gets within two inches of his face before he turns his head, grimaces, and throws the broccoli down.
Doodles: I can't do it!
There's no way to describe it, but this was the funniest thing I have ever seen, and I start to crack up right there. Way to show how serious I was.
Me: That's fine. I understand. You may be excused.
Doodles quickly picks up the broccoli, brings it toward his face. And then, then... unbelievably... Doodles takes a nibble.
Doodles: I want dolphins.
Me: Three good sized bites and then Dolphins.
Doodles: Eeeeehhhh! (can't quite capture the sound he made)
I go back to the kitchen and retrieve the bottle of magic.
Me: Do you want cinnamon sugar on your broccoli.
Doodles, relieved: Yes!
I sprinkle the cinnamon sugar on the broccoli. Doodles picks it up and takes a bite. I sprinkle more on. He takes another bite.
Doodles: Dolphins.
Me: One more bite.
More cinnamon sugar. One more bite. Doodles looks up at me.
Me: I'll get your dolphins.
Funny thing is, he only ate about five more dolphins and when Adam came home, I asked Doodles, "Do you want to tell Daddy what you ate tonight?" and he smiled widely and yelled, "Broccoli!"
Killing me. They're just killing me. Little by little. Just you wait and see. If one of these Wednesdays a post doesn't appear, know that the kids are having a field day romping around my corpse. At least I'll know Doodles will be romping with a little--very little, but it's a start--vegetable in him.
3 Comments:
I've been lurking on your blog for quite some time and find your writing wonderful and your anecdotes hilarious. I currently nanny for 22-month old twins and I have to say, the line about the broccoli "I can't do it!" cracked me up. I can't imagine what it was like to be there! Thanks for the laugh.
You know, I was doing fine right up until you put cinnamon sugar on broccoli. That just makes my stomach curl. I love cinnamon. I love sugar. I even somewhat like broccoli.
But combining the three?
*shudder* ;)
OMG that was some funny sh!t there, sista. I so know how you feel. How many times Ella has done something that just makes me laugh, but I have to be serious parent. Dear lord...good luck.
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