My Week in Lists

Random things said to children on a Sunday night:
Pie, we don't put artichoke leaves on our ears. Pie, seriously. Pie, get the artichokes out of your ears now! Pie, you can't hide artichoke leaves in your hair, either. Pie!

No, Pie, you cannot sleep with your shalach manot.

Me: Doodles, you can't celebrate both Purim and Easter. You have to pick just one.
Doodles: Okay. I'll celebrate Easter.

Questions asked in the car on one thirty-five-minute ride from home to ice skating:

• Why does your shadow follow you?
  
• Why do babies wake up at night?
  
• Why do moms wear bras?
  
• What is that song about? [Song on radio: "Cruel to Be Kind"]
  
• Why is the world going to stop and melt? [Song on radio: "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You"]
  
• Why did the pharaohs get buried in the pyramids the Jewish slaves built?
  
• How do they make the pointy part on the top of the pyramid?
  
• Why do people die in boxes?
  
• Then who puts them in boxes?
  
• Some cars, they have DVD players in them, in the top, and the kids can watch them when they are in the car. Why don't we have a car like that?

Thing on shopping list that Adam insisted the Shaw's didn't carry:
Paper towels made out of recycled paper

The thing I bought three packs of the next day at Shaw's--on special! Buy one, get two free:
Paper towels made out of recycled paper

My week in Facebook status updates:

• Jenny is eating all of her daughter's "potty treats." Good thing there's no danger of her daughter using the potty anytime soon. 3:12pm
  
• Jenny is not sure where she's going to come up with a 4T sized king costume by 4 p.m. tomorrow.... 5:27pm
  
• Jenny can freakin' work miracles. 1:11pm
  
• Jenny is making an--ack--princess potty chart. 11:41am
  
• Jenny is laughing at Adam for not realizing that the "C" in YMCA meant it would be closed on Easter Sunday. 7:08am
  
• Jenny can't believe the things she obsesses about. 11:27pm
  
• Jenny would rather be in Paris. Cafe au lait anyone? 5:19am

Things that surprise Adam:
Pie: I want a Cinderella coloring sheet!
Adam: Look, there's one!
Pie: That's not Cinderella! That's Snow White!
Adam to me: She knows the difference between Cinderella and Snow White?!?

My typical Tuesday:

• Argue with Pie about getting into the car.
  
• 8:45 a.m. Argue with Pie about dropping Doodles off at school. No she cannot stay in the car by herself.
  
• Argue with Pie about holding hands crossing the street to go to singalong.
  
• Contemplate a detour to the orphanage.
  
• 10: 15 a.m. Tell Pie she can't order her friend, A, to dance with her, no matter how much Pie wants to dance with A and only with A.
  
• Tell Pie that no, A's mother cannot take Pie to the muffin shop because I am going to take Pie to the muffin shop.
  
• Lose Pie's shoe in the street on the way to the muffin shop, but don't realize that's why she's screaming because she's always screaming.
  
• Sheepishly remove shoe from street when a trucker yells to me, "Hey, your daughter lost her shoe."
  
• Notice teenlike smirk on Pie's face.
  
• Tell Pie that she has to come home with me, she cannot go home with A and her mother.
  
• Argue with Pie about how many pieces her muffin should be cut into.
  
• Consider letting Pie go home with A and conveniently "forgetting" to pick her up--for a week or two.
  
• Reassert with a little less conviction that Pie has to come home with me.
  
• Argue with Pie about taking juice into the car.
  
• Noon: Pick Doodles up from school.
  
• Argue with Pie about lack of snack provided a mere twenty minutes after her juice and muffin.
  
• Drive an extra twenty minutes to make sure Pie falls asleep.
  
• Relax with Doodles. Read a book. Play some Legos. Have lunch. Take a brief nap.
  
• 2:30 p.m. Pie wakes up. Change Pie. Feed Pie. Appease Pie. Pie Pie Pie Pie Pie.
  
• Take kids to swimming class.
  
• Sit alone for thirty glorious minutes.
  
• 5 p.m. Take kids to "Tasty Tuesday" at Whole Foods.
  
• Try to shush kids as they scream at the top of their lungs, "LOOK! THERE'S ANOTHER SAMPLE! GO, MOMMY, GO!!"
  
• Get out of Whole Foods with just two $97 bags full of groceries.
  
• 6:20 p.m. Get kids in bath.
  
• Argue with them about bubbles. "No bubbles!" insists Doodles. "BUBBLES!" insists Pie.
  
• Let them play/fight in the tub.
  
• Tolerate screaming while hair is washed.
  
• 6:45 p.m. Adam walks in. Hand over kids half bathed and hide in the office.
  
• Wonder if Adam could function if I decided to take the summer off to travel and do something that's easier than dealing with Pie, like cure cancer or end poverty.
  
• Spend one and a half hours trying to cajole Pie into bed.
  
• Kids sleep. I zonk.
  
• 9 p.m. Miss the kids. Consider waking them so I can cuddle with them.
  
• 9:01 p.m. Adam blocks stairs to keep me from making huge mistake.
  
• 11:45 p.m. Go to bed after working on top-secret preschool project that is taking way more time than I would have thought.
  
• 11:57 p.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Boot camp tomorrow!

Evidence Pie is ready for college:

• She prefers her pizza cold
  
• She's up at all hours
  
• She finds bodily functions hilarious
  
• You can't get that girl off her cell phone
  
• She's a little cliquish
  
• She's perfected the eye roll
  
• She binge eats
  
• She's got the moves

Watch out Dartmouth U Mass Middlesex Community College Blaine Beauty School!