Don't Call Us, We'll Call You
Whenever the phone rings, I tense up and think, "Who the freak is calling me at this hour?" Doesn't matter what that hour is, any hour is the wrong time to call me, and I will sound grumpy and cranky even if you're calling to tell me I won Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Here's when not to call us:
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.: Adam is still home from work and he's watching Doodles and Sweetie Pie while I either grab a quick run and a shower or am trying to make up a little of the sleep deprivation by staying in bed for a few minutes longer. Don't call then because I'll either be not home or asleep.
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.: Definitely don't call then. Because I'm frantically trying to get one or both of my children out the door to some playgroup/music class/playground/gymnastics class, and I'm trying to put Doodles shoes on, but he's having a meltdown screaming, "I do it self!! I do it self!!" and Sweetie Pie is screaming because I'm not holding her, and I haven't had any breakfast yet, I'm in dire need of a cup of decaf (which psychologically makes me feel better), and I really have to pee.
10 a.m. to noon: We're not home. We're out somewhere. Anywhere. Because if we don't go out, I will let my toddler watch five straight hours of TV, and apparently, that's a no-no.
Noon: If you call now, I'll just ignore the ringing phone, as I'm trying to appease my child who wants the "other yogurt" for lunch, when he's got the very last yogurt in the house in front of him, and even then I'm ignoring the fact that it's three weeks past its pull date. I'm trying to eat whatever leftovers I was able to scrounge up while bouncing Sweetie Pie in my other arm, because she doesn't want to be put down.
12:30 to 1: I'm putting Doodles down for his nap, which requires a fight over whether he's going to walk up the stairs himself or if I'm going to carry him. If I'm lucky, Sweetie Pie is asleep in her swing. If I'm not, I've got her under one arm while I'm dragging Doodles with the other. There's diaper change, story, and then nap.
1 to 3ish: Sweetie needs to be walked. Back and forth and back and forth. I listen to Doodles over the monitor as he chats to himself, occasionally calling out, "Mommy! Wiggles time!" I mentally will Doodles to sleep and try to soothe Sweetie to sleep so I can get a little shut eye myself. Doodles falls asleep, but Sweetie Pie doesn't... at least not until five minutes before Doodles wakes up.
3 to 3:20: Repeat of 9 to 10 but in a shorter time frame because I need to get the kids to the playground and it's getting dark very, very early these days.
3:20 till dark (about 4:30 these days): Not a good time to call. Because I'm wearing Sweetie in my carrier and chasing Doodles who has left the playground to run up and down the hill. I just pray he doesn't take off for the street before I can get to him and that I don't do permanent damage to Sweetie's little head as I try to run with her in the carrier.
dark to 5: I walk us home. Slllllooooowly to kill time. There are many hills. Don't call me. I'll be out of breath.
5 to 6: Plant Doodles in front of Wiggles and Elmo's World (he doesn't like the rest of Sesame Street). Frantically try to calm Sweetie enough that I can put her down to make dinner. Give up at 5:30 and figure out what I can make that doesn't involve the stove or oven because I can't use either when wearing Sweetie in my carrier.
6 to 7: Don't call, it's family time! Adam's home! Get dinner on the table, have family meal, rush through so Adam can get Doodles bathed and ready for bed while I try to clean as much as I can before Sweetie's fussy hour.
7 to 9 p.m.: Whoops, didn't make it! Sweetie Pie is a wreck. She's screaming and needs to be walked and walked and walked. Sometimes this involves a trip outside in fresh air. Sometimes it just involves pacing the living room. While theoretically you could call now, there's no point, as I can't hear you over the screaming.
9 p.m.: I want to go to bed. I'm tired and cranky. Sweetie is finally quiet so I take her upstairs so we can both go to sleep.
9 to 11 p.m.: Sweetie Pie alternates nursing and screaming till she finally passes out. I too pass out, knowing I'll be back up in three to four hours. Don't call now; I'm trying to sleep.
I tried to figure out if there was a time when I would willingly receive phone calls and there is. Those five minutes when Doodles is happily, finally eating his yogurt and Sweetie is calm on me. If you can find those moments, call me. If you can't, drop me an e-mail. Only please don't expect me to reply. At least not in the near future. Because the same day that doesn't allow me to prop a phone under my ear, certainly doesn't allow for any activities that would require the use of two hands. Because one of those hands is trying to keep the baby's head from flopping, while I'm dodging projectile spit up and the other is in a stranglehold on my toddler, trying to keep him from destroying, well, the world.
Here's when not to call us:
6 a.m. to 8 a.m.: Adam is still home from work and he's watching Doodles and Sweetie Pie while I either grab a quick run and a shower or am trying to make up a little of the sleep deprivation by staying in bed for a few minutes longer. Don't call then because I'll either be not home or asleep.
9 a.m. to 10 a.m.: Definitely don't call then. Because I'm frantically trying to get one or both of my children out the door to some playgroup/music class/playground/gymnastics class, and I'm trying to put Doodles shoes on, but he's having a meltdown screaming, "I do it self!! I do it self!!" and Sweetie Pie is screaming because I'm not holding her, and I haven't had any breakfast yet, I'm in dire need of a cup of decaf (which psychologically makes me feel better), and I really have to pee.
10 a.m. to noon: We're not home. We're out somewhere. Anywhere. Because if we don't go out, I will let my toddler watch five straight hours of TV, and apparently, that's a no-no.
Noon: If you call now, I'll just ignore the ringing phone, as I'm trying to appease my child who wants the "other yogurt" for lunch, when he's got the very last yogurt in the house in front of him, and even then I'm ignoring the fact that it's three weeks past its pull date. I'm trying to eat whatever leftovers I was able to scrounge up while bouncing Sweetie Pie in my other arm, because she doesn't want to be put down.
12:30 to 1: I'm putting Doodles down for his nap, which requires a fight over whether he's going to walk up the stairs himself or if I'm going to carry him. If I'm lucky, Sweetie Pie is asleep in her swing. If I'm not, I've got her under one arm while I'm dragging Doodles with the other. There's diaper change, story, and then nap.
1 to 3ish: Sweetie needs to be walked. Back and forth and back and forth. I listen to Doodles over the monitor as he chats to himself, occasionally calling out, "Mommy! Wiggles time!" I mentally will Doodles to sleep and try to soothe Sweetie to sleep so I can get a little shut eye myself. Doodles falls asleep, but Sweetie Pie doesn't... at least not until five minutes before Doodles wakes up.
3 to 3:20: Repeat of 9 to 10 but in a shorter time frame because I need to get the kids to the playground and it's getting dark very, very early these days.
3:20 till dark (about 4:30 these days): Not a good time to call. Because I'm wearing Sweetie in my carrier and chasing Doodles who has left the playground to run up and down the hill. I just pray he doesn't take off for the street before I can get to him and that I don't do permanent damage to Sweetie's little head as I try to run with her in the carrier.
dark to 5: I walk us home. Slllllooooowly to kill time. There are many hills. Don't call me. I'll be out of breath.
5 to 6: Plant Doodles in front of Wiggles and Elmo's World (he doesn't like the rest of Sesame Street). Frantically try to calm Sweetie enough that I can put her down to make dinner. Give up at 5:30 and figure out what I can make that doesn't involve the stove or oven because I can't use either when wearing Sweetie in my carrier.
6 to 7: Don't call, it's family time! Adam's home! Get dinner on the table, have family meal, rush through so Adam can get Doodles bathed and ready for bed while I try to clean as much as I can before Sweetie's fussy hour.
7 to 9 p.m.: Whoops, didn't make it! Sweetie Pie is a wreck. She's screaming and needs to be walked and walked and walked. Sometimes this involves a trip outside in fresh air. Sometimes it just involves pacing the living room. While theoretically you could call now, there's no point, as I can't hear you over the screaming.
9 p.m.: I want to go to bed. I'm tired and cranky. Sweetie is finally quiet so I take her upstairs so we can both go to sleep.
9 to 11 p.m.: Sweetie Pie alternates nursing and screaming till she finally passes out. I too pass out, knowing I'll be back up in three to four hours. Don't call now; I'm trying to sleep.
I tried to figure out if there was a time when I would willingly receive phone calls and there is. Those five minutes when Doodles is happily, finally eating his yogurt and Sweetie is calm on me. If you can find those moments, call me. If you can't, drop me an e-mail. Only please don't expect me to reply. At least not in the near future. Because the same day that doesn't allow me to prop a phone under my ear, certainly doesn't allow for any activities that would require the use of two hands. Because one of those hands is trying to keep the baby's head from flopping, while I'm dodging projectile spit up and the other is in a stranglehold on my toddler, trying to keep him from destroying, well, the world.
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