They. Are. Trying. To. Kill. Me.

Doodles has a serious Band-Aid fetish. He loves to decorate his body with them. He usually has one or two on his belly, one on his forehead, perhaps one on an arm or leg. Adam called to me the other morning. "You've got to come see this!" I come upstairs to find my son happily playing away... with one of my maxipads stuck on his forehead. "Look, Mommy!" he said proudly. "I found a big Band-Aid!"

A new dinnertime tactic:
Doodles: Mommy, I can't eat my rockamole cracker!
Me: Why not?
Doodles: I'm scared of it! The cracker is scaring me!

Pie on the other hand has become the total prima donna during meals. She loves to eat, and I love that about her. But she's lazy as all get out. At dinner, she quit eating way before I would have thought she was full. "Don't you want more, Pie?" I asked as I picked up a piece of beef and brought it to her mouth. The little mouth instantly opened and she took the piece. Then she pointed to a pepper. And then a piece of zucchini. And then more beef. What a little princess! Demanding to be fed! And if I didn't move fast enough, wailing was involved. That girl should have been born to royalty.

Please note that this is Pie. Please note there is nothing beneath her feet. Please note that this does not dissuade her from going for the choking hazard I thought I had placed far out of her reach. She climbed the chair, reached for something in the middle of the table, accidentally pushed the chair away with her feet, but refused to stop her mission so she just hung there until she was able to grasp the choking-hazard that apparently was exactly within her reach. Apparently, "out of her reach" no longer exists. How is it she is so lazy when it comes to almost everything else, but she's willing to put in that extra effort when it means causing great trouble for others or potential injury for herself?

We had friends over for dinner on Saturday. Friends with a daughter three months older than Doodles and a daughter one month younger than Pie. Dinner was a disaster. My son was on a roll. Refused to eat. We warned him, no energy food, no dessert. Did he listen? Of course not. He did try to regale his friend with stories while she was eating, being quite distracting.
Me: Doodles, please either eat your dinner or excuse yourself from the table.
Doodles: [waving a finger at me] No! I'm talking to O.!
Me: Doodles, O. is trying to eat her dinner. Please either finish your dinner or excuse yourself.
Doodles: I just need one more minute!
Me: Doo--
Doodles: No! No! NO! I just need one more minute! [finger is going crazy and O. is staring ahead, pretending like she doesn't hear anything because she doesn't want to get into trouble] I just need ONE MORE MINUTE!
Me: Doodles, you need to excuse yourself right--
Doodles: No! Listen to my words! Listen to my words! I need one more minute! If I have to say it again, you lose a show!

No one likes my singing. We've now reached the point where if I sing along to the ipod, Doodles complains, "I can't hear the words!" If I sing to the Pie, she just screams and yells, "No no no no no!"

Doodles: I don't like having a sister.
Me: You don't?
Doodles: No. I don't want a sister anymore.
Me: Okay.
D: Okay?
Me: Okay. We'll take her back to the hospital.
D: We will?
Me: Sure. If you don't want her anymore, we'll take her back to the hospital.
D: Will they throw her away?!?
Me: No. They'll give her to another family.
D: Oh. What about her crib?
Me: We'll give that away, too.
D: Why?
Me: If Pie doesn't live here anymore, we don't need her crib anymore.
D: Oh.
Me: We'll probably have to send all her toys away with her, too.
D: Her toys!
Me: Yeah. The family that takes Pie will need her toys.
D: Oh.
Me: Do you think maybe we should keep her?
D: Yeah. I think we should keep her.
Me: That's good. Because I really wasn't going to get rid of her anyway.
D: You weren't?
Me: Nah. You guys are stuck with us. Forever!
D: Oh. Okay.