The Quirks of Kids

Me: You know, you guys are having some issues tonight. I'd like for you to keep your hands off of each other in the bath tonight.
More touching ensues.
Me: If one more person touches the other, there won't be a show tonigt.
Doodles and Pie are playing with their bath letters. I look down at my magazine, and look up when Pie is shrieking. She has a K and an M on her back and she's straining to get them off.
Me: How did those letters get on Pie's back?
Doodles: She put them there.
Me: Look at her. She can't reach them. There's no way she put them on herself. How, I repeat, did Pie get those letters on her back?
Doodles: Oh, that's right. There was a machine in the bathtub that put that on Pie's back.

Going to the playground, Pie let me put on her sandals sans socks. However, she had to be carrying with her at all times her socks, her sun hat, and a random green pair of shorts.

Doodles: I'd like to see a v*agina.
Me: No. V*aginas are private parts. You don't get to look at people's v*aginas.
Doodles: But I want to look at one!
Me: Remember we talked about how everyone has private parts that are just for them? V*aginas are private parts.
Doodles: Private?
Me: It's just like your p*enis is private and people can't look at it.
Doodles: No, but it's okay!! It's okay if people look at my p*enis!

After bath, I go for the moisturizer.
Doodles: NO! No! NO! I like dry skin! Don't take away my dry skin!