The Downside to Education

I love complaining about my children. You know that. I do it here all the time. And on Facebook. And Twitter. And IM to Adam. Complaining about kids is kind of like my hobby.

Until.

Until.

Damn that American educational system! The boy is actually reading! Reading, I tell you! Which is all fine and cute and dandy when he's picking up Mouse Tales or Beyond the Dinosaurs: Monsters of the Air and Sea .

But when he's standing next to my computer, asking, "Why did you write, 'It's... all... falling...a-a-pa-apart...here'?" well, it's not so cute anymore.

Why didn't we go Waldorf? They don't learn to read till seven. I would have had another year and a half of private IMs and Twitters and whatnot to complain about those munchkins....

Builders, School, and Weddings, Oh My

So, what's going on with me? I'm not purposely neglecting you guys--I think it's just that there's so much going on and I'm just overwhelmed enough that I feel like I have absolutely nothing interesting to blog about. But that stops now! I'm cranking up the iTunes (so loving the new Genius playlist feature), ignoring the copyedit that's whispering to me from the side of my desk ("Jenny! I have misplaced modifiers! I'm going to secretly removed serial commas! Look, Jenny, look! I've got inconsistent numerals.... Jennnnnny! Come fiiiiiix me!"), and I'm now prepared to give you all my full attention.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Let me tell you some of the things I've learned this past week:

• If you give a child 60 cents and tell him he can buy his milk at school, 5 times out of 5 times, he will choose chocolate milk. (Nostalgia: When I was in elementary school, lunch prices increased from 50 cents to 55 cents. And we didn't have three lunch choices, including pizza pretty much every day.)
  
  
• A house with no walls is way more interesting than a house with walls.
  
  
• You can watch a cement truck pour cement for hours.
  
  
• If your family can't keep a decent-sized house clean, no way can they keep a 700-square-foot apartment clean. You will be stepping on Legos for the duration. And if your husband didn't know what clean was in your house, he really won't know what it means in the apartment. By the way, you are not invited over. Not any of you. Because this place is a mess.
  
  
• No matter how little food you put into your son's lunchbox, he will not be able to finish it. I gave that boy two falafel balls (note: not an entire falafel sandwich, just two of the little balls) and two slices of red pepper. He ate one falafel ball, one slice of red pepper, and complained that I gave him too much food because he doesn't have time to finish it. Kindergartners get a half hour for lunch. He can't manage to put away four small pieces of food? That boy is a Chatty Cathy is what it is. Today he said I was giving him too much lunch: a cheese sandwich and two red pepper slices. He said, "Just give me the red pepper." Um, no? Because I'm not going to be the mom called by DSS for starving her child. At least I won't starve him in a public setting. We compromised on half a cheese sandwich and red pepper. And this kid wonders why he doesn't weigh enough for a "big kid booster seat" in the car.
  
  
• If you buy your daughter a dress so she can be a flower girl, you'll need to get shoes to go with the dress. Otherwise, you will wake up two days before the wedding and think, "OH SHIT! I didn't buy any shoes!" and you'll have to run to the store and pay top dollar to Stride Rite because your wide-footed daughter doesn't fit into normal shoes and you don't have enough time to order them online.
  
  
• When your son says he's not learning anything yet at school... he LIES! At back-to-school night, it was downright overwhelming to see how much they are learning. And sure enough, this morning, I said to Doodles, "In September, for awhile..." and he chimed immediately in, making hand motions, "I will ride a crocodile down the chicken soupy Nile. Paddle once, paddle twice, paddle chicken soup and rice," and, oh yes, they have gone over some of the letters of the alphabet, and yeah, they do count every day, many times a day, and he has been writing his name, but no, he really isn't learning anything. Okay, fine. As long as he keeps not learning at this pace, I'll be happy.
  
  
• If you're size 4 son needs a suit, you will be paying hand over fist for it. In fact, he might even have to give up his brand-new room in his brand-new house, it costs so much.
  
  
• Running 19 miles after taking two weeks off of running may not be the smartest thing in the world.
  
  
• If, when you move, you think that purging your house of chocolate will prevent you from bingeing when your children are in preschool and you're working, you are wrong. You will just find other things to binge on.
  

Okay, enough you people! I hear a "comprised of" (AAAACK!) beckoning me from the manuscript. (Where is my red pencil! Bad of, bad, bad, bad of.) We've got one wedding rehearsal, one party, one half marathon, two sets of formal photos, a mountain of logistics, and one wedding to attend this weekend. I'm sure I'll have something to say about it all next week.

Suburban Blues

One week and one day as the mother of a kindergartner, and this suburban hausfrau is already failing. Tomorrow is the first bake sale of the year... and I have nothing. Not even a store-bought cake to pass off as my own.

I'll just hand in the keys to my minivan now....

Back to School

I survived the first day of kindergarten (yes, me. I never had any doubt about Doodles). Preschool for Pie starts at the end of this week. We're settled into our apartment, and--yes, finally--the construction seems to be beginning. I return to freelance work tomorrow. The temperatures are dipping and suddenly the synagogue is all abuzz about the high holidays. Forget what the calendar says; summer is officially over.

Doodles loved kindergarten. He did have a couple of complaints: 1) "Why can't I stay for the afterschool program?" and 2) "We didn't learn anything today." But other than that, he already found his gaggle of guy friends with whom he sat at lunch. He played with blocks during choice time, drew a picture of himself--with his backpack, learned where to put his folder, raised his hand to use the bathroom, heard two books about kindergarten, and generally enjoyed his day. Pie, on the other hand, wasn't satisfied with the raspberry picking we did and complained frequently about not going to kindergarten herself.

For lunch, I packed--in his brand-new Star Wars lunch box--falafel, hummus, pita, string cheese, and red pepper (oh how far we've come with his eating!). As a treat, I printed out some cute school-themed notepaper and wrote a special note for him. On the note, I taped a Hershey's Kiss as a treat.

After school, we went to the playground to play, and I peeked into his lunch box. The falafel, string cheese, and half a red pepper were eaten. "You didn't eat much," I said. "I ran out of time," he told me. As we were walking, I asked, "Did you get a special treat in your lunch?"

"Yes!" he said. "I got a Hershey's Kiss! It was a surprised. You didn't tell me it was going to be there."

"It was a special first day of school surprise for you."

"I liked it, Mom," he said.

When we finally got home, it was close to five. "Can I finish my lunch now?" he asked.

"It's just about dinner time," I said. "Do you want to finish your lunch for dinner?"

"Yes," he said, and he sat down and opened his lunch. "And when I'm done, I can have my Kiss."

Confused, I asked, "Didn't you eat your kiss at school?"

He shook his head. "No, Mom!" he said, in his duh voice. "I didn't eat all my energy food so I didn't eat the Kiss."

Holy cow. Food group would have been proud of him. And for the record, I let him eat the Kiss before he finished the rest of his lunch/dinner.

I did buy Doodles a first-day-of-school present: two easy reader Star Wars books. Which was fine, except Pie announced, "I want a Kiss for my first day of school and for my first day of school I want two books, only with princesses in them!"

Three more days till preschool gets into full swing. Just three more days....